Freedom of BLUGH

gabedelahaye:

Everything that has ever happened in your life, the entire chain of decisions and events, has all conspired to bring you to this moment, right here, right now, watching this video. This is what it has all been for. (Via.)

PASSWORD

Characters: Gary, Dana

Lights Up. GARY is at the computer. DANA is offstage, in the kitchen. You can hear the water running.

GARY

(calling out) Hey hon, what’s your password?

DANA

(enters) Why?

GARY

Cause I want to watch something on your Netflix.

DANA

Let me just type it in!

GARY

Come on, youre wearing wet gloves. Just tell me your password. We’ve been dating for 2 years, don’t you trust me?

DANA

(Hangs her head) Okay, but don’t laugh. It’s F-R-I-T-O-S.

GARY

Fritos? Like the cornchips?

DANA

I guess, yeah. (GARY types it in, laughing) You promised me you wouldn’t laugh!

GARY

I know, but it’s cute! Do you even like Fritos?

DANA

Well yeah. I guess.

GARY

But I’ve never even seen you eat them.

DANA

(mutters) That’s what you think.

GARY

When?

DANA

Remember that fried chicken I made you last week?

GARY

Oh my god, it was the best. And it had that nice crust that you get on everything you make….Wait a second. Youre not telling me. Your secret ingredient?

DANA

Its Fritos. Its always Fritos.

GARY

No way! Weird. That crust is good, though! Man, I’m always learning something new about you. (He grabs her hand, pulls away, wipes his hand on his jeans) Wait. What is that?

DANA

Nothing! (she turns away)

GARY

No, that’s not nothing. There are crumbs here. You were eating Fritos just now.

DANA

What! No, I wasn’t.

GARY

You were in there eating Fritos!

DANA

Sometimes when I’m doing the dishes I like to have a snack.

GARY

Do you even have Fritos in the house? (runs to the kitchen, calls out). Oh my god! Every cabinet has a bag of Fritos!

DANA

Costco was having a sale!

GARY

Baby, that is too many Fritos. Goddamn, I didn’t even know you liked them! (Pause. He reenters the room) Wait. Do you use them for more than just breading?

DANA

What do you mean?

GARY

Well, like the other night, you kept calling it “Fettuncini Al Fritos”

DANA

Yeah, so what? I sprinkled some Frito dust on it, that’s all! Sue me.

GARY

That’s all? It’s freaking me out a little! Why would someone put Fritos dust on pasta? You make it sound like you have to put Fritos in every single thing!

DANA

That is so stupid, Gary. Fritos are just my favorite snack! Am I not allowed to have a favorite snack?

GARY

I guess. But, I mean, aren’t Fritos bad for you? Like how come your skin and hair aren’t super unhealthy?

DANA

Oh. Well. They kind of are, actually. This is a wig.

GARY

What?!

GARY goes to her, touches her hair. A scoop-shaped strand comes out. GARY sniffs it and then, to confirm, eats it. He is horrified.

GARY

You have Fritos hair?!!

DANA

Yeah, and my bronzer and lipstick are Fritos based. Barbecue flavor.

GARY

I can’t handle this. I gotta sit down. (goes to sit on a nearby chair)

DANA

Gary, don’t!

GARY sits in the chair which immeadiately crumbles, revealing itself to be made entirely of Fritos. DANA runs to him, helps him up.

DANA

I’m so sorry, Gary! I should’ve told you about that. I know what you’re thinking but-

GARY

(pulling himself up, in a rage) A FRITOS CHAIR?! Honestly, Dana, I don’t know what to think anymore! I was supposed to MOVE IN HERE, for Chrissakes! Is everything in this house made out of Fritos? (picks an urn off the mantle, aiming it at her head)

DANA

Gary, don’t! Those are my father’s ashes in there!

GARY

(pause) So this isn’t made of Fritos?

DANA

No, it’s made out of Fritos. (GARY screams in rage, smashes the urn to bits) Come on, Gary! What’s wrong with Fritos?! They’re delicious!

GARY

It’s not really about the Fritos! It’s the lie! Why wouldn’t you tell me you have this SICK OBSESSION! We’re supposed to trust each other! I feel like I don’t even know you. (grabs his coat, heads for the door)

DANA

Baby, don’t go! I can explain!

GARY

Oh, explain your FRITOS addiction? Sure! OK, I’m all ears.

DANA

Okay, just calm down and listen! It’s all just cause I had this experience in my childhood.

GARY

Well, tell me what happened!

DANA

You know my Dad died before I was born right? Well my mom was single for a long time. She couldn’t hold down a job. We didn’t have much. Sometimes I’d go to school without lunch, and all the kids would laugh at me. The taunts starting getting vicious. I’d come home to see someone had spray panted the word POOR on my door, things like that. One day it got out of hand. Some psycho actually burned my house down. I got out alive, but my mom and brother weren’t so lucky. As I stood there from the curb, watching my family burn to death, I remember thinking ‘God, I could really go for some Fritos.’

Pause. Gary and Dana stare into each other’s eyes,

GARY

Oh my god. Dana.

DANA

Hold me?

GARY taker her into his arms. He looks down at her face, and after a moment, gives her a sincere, loving kiss.

GARY

(Pulls back) Nope. Sorry. Your breath totally smells like chili. I gotta go.

END

Thats where I wrote this post

Since you moved in, my apartment always smells like turmeric. You got us an internet account so now I can get wifi in the bathroom, which is surprisingly important.